Stranger Than Fiction
by Sara Wolfe
Summary: Take a list of cliches, one bored author, and one exasperated 5-0 team. Mix, shake well, serve over ice. Enjoy. (Danny is not amused).
1. Walk a Mile

**Author's Note: **I know, I know, another series, when I still have to finish _Fifty First Dates_. I promise, I'm working on it. This fic, and those that follow in the series are just snippets. But, I might (and by might, I mean most definitely will) expand on one or more of them in the future.

This is written for Round One of Trope_Bingo. Writing this was not hard; stopping was hard. Not creating a 25k fic out of this one prompt was even harder. (Especially since I really, really wanna write the 25k fic)

**Prompt: Bodyswap**

* * *

"This is all your fault!"

Hearing Danny's furious words coming out of his mouth was hardly the weirdest part of Steve's day. No, that honor went to when he woke in Danny's body, to see his best friend's face staring out at him from the mirror. But, it was quickly becoming a fast second.

"I fail to see how this is my fault," Steve said, trying not to wince at how strange it sounded hearing Danny's voice when he spoke.

Also, he'd unconsciously adopted Danny's calm, dealing-with-crazy-Steve tone, one that he'd heard more than enough to recognize it, and how bizarre was that? Was it like a muscle memory thing, Danny's vocal inflections? Was he going to get the chance to see one of his infamous 'faces' from Danny at some point?

"Everything!" Danny's half-hysterical shout brought Steve out of his thoughts. "Practically everything bad that has happened to me on this godforsaken island, this pineapple-infested hellhole, can be traced back to you!"

"Oh, now you're just exaggerating," Steve protested, but if anything, his words only seemed to make Danny even more angry.

"Exaggerating?" Danny's voice hit a particularly strident tone that Steve wasn't even aware of his vocal cords being capable of. "I'm exaggerating, he says! The first time we worked together, you got me shot! You store hand grenades in the glove box of my car! I don't even drive my own car!"

He trailed off, glaring at Steve, and yep, there was the Aneurysm Face that Danny always accused him of. And not that he was ever going to admit it to him, but Steve could kind of see what he was talking about.

"You didn't actually list that many examples," Steve felt compelled to point out, and whoa, there was Aneurysm Face, version 2.0.

"Do you want more?" Danny asked, sounding exasperated, and Steve shook his head.

"No," he said, quickly, figuring he'd done enough to wind his partner up for one morning. "No, I think I've heard enough, thanks."

Danny subsided, muttering something under his breath about voodoo and witch doctors. Steve knew that ranting was Danny's preferred method of stress relief, but he couldn't resist just one, last remark.

"You know that Hawaii doesn't have voodoo or witch doctors, right?" he asked.

"Steven, do not even start with me, right now - _shit_."

Steve turned around at the dread in his partner's voice, and then grimaced when he saw Chin and Kono standing in the doorway. The cousins were staring at Danny and him like they were exhibits at the zoo. Kono had a slightly disturbing grin on her face, the kind she got right before going after a suspect. It was more than a little disconcerting, being the focus of that look.

"Um, how long have you two been standing there?" he asked, weakly, and Kono just grinned even wider.

"Long enough, brah," Chin replied, with a laugh. "Long enough."

He trailed Kono into the room, as she circled Danny in Steve's body with an all-too-gleeful smirk on her face. Steve wasn't sure what was coming next, but he was sure it wasn't going to be good.

"How's it feel to finally be taller than me?"

Yeah, like that. Steve watched his own eyes darken with anger, and Danny crossed his arms over his chest in a habitual gesture.

"Watch it," he growled. "I'm in the ninja assassin's body, now, and with his muscle memory, I'm fairly certain I can take you."

Kono just chuckled. "Yeah, why don't you ask Steve about that?" She was still laughing when she turned and went into to her office.

Danny cocked an eyebrow, looking over at Steve. Steve suddenly felt trapped.

"You're shorter than I thought," he blustered in a weak attempt to distract his partner, but Danny had scented blood in the water and he wasn't about to let anything put him off.

"Now," he said, as a slow smile spread over his face, "what's this about Kono kicking your ass?"


	2. Sweet Child O' Mine

**Author's Note:** This was not written in response to tonight's episode, "Ho'opio" (that's coming later). This was just next on my trope_bingo card, and sheer coincidence that it came up tonight.

**Prompt: secret child**

* * *

A letter, Steve thought, would have been helpful. Considerate, even. A phone call even more so. Instead, the first indication that his life would never be the same came at five-thirty on a Sunday morning, heralded by the sound of impatient knocking.

He jolted awake as the sound ripped through his house like a gunshot. Before he'd even opened his eyes, he'd yanked open the top drawer of his nightstand, pulling his gun out and rolling out of bed and onto the balls of his feet.

In the back of his mind, he dimly registered that the rest of the room was empty. The rest of the house went the same way, and then he found himself standing in front of the front door with his gun pointed down at the carpet. He looked through the peephole to see a blonde woman in a somber gray suit standing on the front porch.

He consciously forced himself to relax as he looked at the woman, taking in her calm, non-threatening demeanor. She didn't seem to be concealing any kind of weapon, and she wasn't giving off any kind of dangerous vibes. So, he felt justified in squashing down the little voice in the back of his head (that sounded far too much like Danny for his liking) that called him an idiot for moving to open his front door.

He clicked the safety on his gun, reaching back to tuck his gun into the waistband of his pants before he realized that he was only wearing boxers. Sheepishly, he placed the gun on the small table beside the door, opening it to see the woman blinking up at him from the porch.

"You're short," he blurted out, without thinking, and then he winced, because that was the absolute last thing he wanted to say.

"Good morning to you, too, Commander McGarrett," the woman said, coolly. "My name is Stacey Kramer. I'm with the Illinois Department of Child Services."

"What does the Illinois Department of Child Services want with me?" Steve asked, cautiously.

"May we come in?" Kramer asked, rather than responding, only serving to make him more suspicious.

"We?" he echoed, in confusion.

In reply, the woman craned her head around as though she was looking for someone.

"Where is that girl?" she muttered under her breath, an exasperated tone in her voice. "Kaitlin! Kaitlin, where are you?"

To Steve's surprise, a young girl about nine or ten popped around the corner of the house. She had long black hair, and gray eyes, and Steve got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach when he saw her.

"May we come in?" Kramer repeated, dropping a gentle but restraining arm around the girl's thin shoulders. Steve nodded, numbly, moving aside so that the pair could precede him into the house.

"Commander McGarrett-" Kramer started, but Steve cut her off, swiftly.

"I – um – I'm going to go put on some pants," he stammered, suddenly, acutely aware of standing half-naked in the middle of his house. "Living room is that way," he added, gesturing down the hallway. "Make yourselves at home."

Then, he fled before Kramer could say anything else.

In the relative safety of his bedroom, he shut the door behind him, leaning against the wood on shaky legs. His mind was whirling in a million different directions, and everything kept coming back to the gray-eyed girl sitting on his couch. She looked –

His mind shuddered to an abrupt halt before he could complete that thought. He couldn't go there, even in the privacy of his own mind. Not until he had everything completely confirmed.

Instead, he moved slowly across his bedroom to where his phone was sitting on his nightstand. He hit one on his speed dial, listening to the phone on the other end ring several times before he was greeted by his partner's sleepy but unmistakably irritated voice.

"Steven, I hope you're aware of what time it is."

"Yeah," he said, quietly, and he heard a rustling sound as Danny moved, presumably sitting up in bed.

"Steve, what's wrong?" he demanded, brusquely. "Are you all right?"

"I don't know," Steve admitted, hoarsely. "Danny, I-"

"Where are you?" Danny interrupted him. "Are you at home?"

"Yeah," Steve said, still unable to form any real coherent thoughts.

"Stay there," Danny told him. "I'm coming to you. Stay there. Don't move."

"Where am I going to go?" Steve managed to force out, but the phone had gone dead in his ear as Danny abruptly hung up on him.

Moving almost mechanically, Steve went to his closet and pushed the door open, pulling out the first clothes he touched. He pulled the shirt over his head and pulled on his pants. Then, he stood in the middle of the room and just breathed, trying to soothe his suddenly-frayed nerves.

When he went back out into the living room, Kramer and the girl were still out there. The girl was sitting on the opposite end of the couch from the older woman, curled up as tightly as she could get against the cushions.

"Ms. Kramer," Steve said, in as neutral a tone as he could manage. He settled himself gingerly in the armchair, waiting for her response.

"Commander McGarrett," Kramer began, giving him a sharp look, "do you remember a woman named Jennifer Carlton?"

Did he remember Jennifer Carlton? He remembered long, dark hair, and laughing gray eyes. He remembered a glorious six months together when he was stationed in Quantico. And he remembered her quiet tears when she realized that his life was with the SEALs, that she would never be enough to pull him away from that life.

"I haven't thought about Jenny in nearly ten years," Steve admitted, after a long moment.

"Commander," Kramer said, after he'd fallen silent, "I'm very sorry to inform you that Jennifer Carlton is dead."

Even though he'd been half expecting it, the words were still like a punch to the gut. He stared at Kramer in stunned shock for several long seconds, jolting in surprise when she gently cleared her throat.

"She's dead?" he echoed, numbly, and on the couch, the girl flinched at the sound of his voice.

"Six months ago," Kramer told him. "I'm sorry to have to tell you like this."

Steve let out a shaky breath, looking anywhere in the room but at Kramer. His gaze landed on the girl, who was still trying to hide in the couch cushions. She shot him a vulnerable look, and the sinking feeling in his gut intensified.

"Ms. Kramer," he managed to force out, his voice coming out in a hoarse whisper, "why are you here?"

"Commander," Kramer said, just as softly, "Kaitlin is Jenny's daughter. Your daughter."

Naturally, that was when Danny burst into the room with his gun drawn.


	3. Undercover Lovers

**Author's Note:** Prompt: a kiss to save the day

* * *

"You want me to come where?"

Danny looked up at Kono, who was standing in front of his desk, practically bouncing with excitement. She was holding a brightly-colored flyer in her hands.

"Los Angeles," Kono told him. "To a surfing competition."

"I didn't think you did competitions, anymore," Danny said.

"I can't compete," Kono replied, "but I can still surf. And I was contacted by one of the organizers to take part in a charity exhibition." She was grinning so widely he was surprised her face didn't split in two.

"Kono, that's great," Danny said, happily. "But, why me?"

"You're my friend, and I want to spend time with you," came the answer. "Besides, it's fun, and I think you'd enjoy it. And Grace, if she wants to come."

"Are you kidding?" Danny asked. "Grace would have a blast. When do we go?"

* * *

The flight to LA was uneventful, and they'd had no problems grabbing their luggage from the baggage claim, or getting their rental car. The weather was beautiful, and traffic was about as perfect as it could get. Even their hotel room was gorgeous, with a fantastic view of the ocean.

Really, when he thought about it, Danny should have been expecting something to go wrong. He just never expected trouble to come in the form of Marty Deeks.

The competition didn't start for another day, but he and Kono were taking Grace to the beach before everything got hectic. They'd stopped at a corner grocery to grab some snacks when they'd run into the other detective. He'd been excited to see them, and mentioned how the rest of his team would be happy to see Danny, again. And it sounded like fun, so they'd trailed Deeks back to Ops.

He should have known that nothing would be that simple.

"What do you mean, you need our help?" Danny wasn't really successful at keeping the suspicious tone out of his voice, but then, he wasn't trying very hard.

"We investigated Marcus Jantzen six months ago, for a similar case," Callen told him, gesturing at the picture on the screen. "Had him in interrogation before he alibied out. He saw all our faces."

"And we can't go in with a warrant on our practically nonexistent evidence," Hanna said, picking up the thread. "Not with Jantzen's lawyers circling the wagons at the first sign of trouble."

"But, Jantzen doesn't know either of us," Kono said, nodding at Danny, "so we can investigate without rousing suspicion."

"Danno, I can stay here," Grace piped up, when Danny automatically glanced back at her.

"Yeah, she can hang with us," Hanna replied, and Danny was both relieved and a little worried.

Relieved, because there was nowhere safer for Grace if he couldn't be with her, and worried because the man was a former SEAL, and that pretty much spoke for itself. The last time Danny had left Grace alone with Steve, she'd learned how to throw a knife. God only knew what he'd come back to, this time.

But, he and Kono couldn't very well say no. He shot her a look, seeing the same determination on his face, and she nodded in response to his unspoken question.

"We'll do it," Danny told them.

* * *

Jantzen worked on the top floor of the biggest high-rise in Los Angeles. There was security just to get onto the floor, and Jantzen had a formidable secretary guarding his door. The man took paranoid to a whole, new level.

Too bad it didn't occur to him to screen the maintenance workers coming into the building.

"It's a little scary how easily we got in here," Kono muttered, as Jantzen's secretary happily let them into the man's empty office.

"Makes you think, doesn't it?" Danny replied, just as quietly, moving over to the enormous desk facing the wall of windows. "How many people we don't pay any attention to, just because they look innocuous."

"Glad it's working to our advantage, though," Kono muttered. "Okay, what are we looking for, again?"

"Suspicious financial documents," Danny replied, sifting through piles of paper with gloved hands. "Anything that looks like it can prove that Jantzen is paying for terrorists."

"What about several half-million dollar transfers over a two month period?" Kono asked.

"Seriously?" Danny asked, getting a shrug in reply.

"The guy is really bad at this," Kono said, shaking her head in exasperation. "He wrote down the password for his computer, and the file's right out in the open." She rolled her eyes as she plugged a zip drive in to download the file. "How in the world did this guy get away last time?"

"Fancy lawyers and deep pockets," Danny told her. "You almost done? We have to get out of here."

"Got it," Kono told him, snatching the zip drive out of the computer tower and pocketing it. "Let's-"

The rest of her sentence was cut off by the sound of the door opening, and Danny shot a panicked look at the desk he was still putting back into order.

"Go with me," Kono muttered, quickly.

Then as the door opened, she jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist, knocking him back onto the desk and sending papers flying everywhere. One hand fisted in the front of his shirt, the other braced herself against the desk. And then, a devious glint in her eyes, she kissed him.

Danny kissed back as the door opened behind them, not paying attention to the disbelieving shout from the doorway. He wrapped an arm around Kono's waist to steady her, ignoring the man who stomped over to them, knowing that it would only enrage him, further.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Danny and Kono kissed for a few seconds longer, just to drive Jantzen mad, and then they separated. Kono had managed to blush on command, her cheeks bright red as she stared at the floor in apparent mortification.

"Hey, man," Danny drawled, grinning lazily at Jantzen as he wrapped an arm around Kono's waist. "Sorry about that. We thought we were gonna have a little more privacy, you know?"

"This is my office!" Jantzen exploded, face purple with rage.

"We're leaving," Danny said, pushing away from the desk they'd messed up beyond all recognition.

He and Kono sauntered out of the office, without a care in the world, Jantzen's threat to have them both fired following them to the elevator. The car was thankfully empty when they got on, and they rode quickly down to the lobby. Outside the building, Kono burst out laughing.

"That was great," she told him, grinning. "Where did you get that last voice from?"

"Channeling my inner Deeks," Danny replied. "What about you? I can't believe that diversion. And that kiss." He shot her a pointed look.

"You're pretty good at that, yourself," Kono told him, nudging him teasingly in the ribs. "Come on, let's get this info back to Callen and his team. The waves are calling my name."


	4. Wild Blue Yonder

**Author's Note:** prompt: fusion

* * *

Danny entered the cafeteria, and sighed in happiness as the smell of coffee hit his nose. If he was still smelling coffee, that meant that McKay and the rest of the Science department hadn't stolen all of it. And he needed a cup, right now. Maybe twenty cups.

He filled a mug as full as he dared, sipping at the scalding-hot liquid as he made his way to the table where the rest of his team was sitting. Chin and Kono glanced up at him as he sat down. They both looked like they wanted to say something, but Danny wasn't going to give them the chance.

"Well," he said, without preamble, "I hope you're happy. Doctor Weir informed me that Lieutenant Colonel Hawkins requested a transfer back to Earth on the Daedalus. He's leaving tomorrow. That's three."

He shot the Athosian cousins a _Look_; neither of them even blinked. He might have been losing his touch.

"At least this one lasted longer than a month," Kono offered, a hopeful note in her voice.

"A month and a day isn't something to be proud of," Danny returned, feeling faintly like he was scolding Grace when she got in trouble. But, that wasn't fair to Grace; she actually listened to him, once and a while.

"Hawkins was a bad leader," was Chin's addition to the conversation.

Danny shook his head, sighing in frustration. "We're getting a reputation," he told the pair. "No one wants to work with us, anymore. I've heard whispers that we're running our team leaders off on purpose."

"Maybe we are," Kono said, grinning, and Danny pinched the bridge of his nose, looking around to see if anyone had heard her.

He knew she was joking (okay, he hoped she was joking), but if anyone else heard her, it would only be a matter of time before it got back to Doctor Weir. And if she thought that they were actually serious - well, Danny really didn't want to get put to work running errands for McKay and his scientists, like they had after their first team leader had been sent back to Earth with a pair of broken legs. Once was more than enough to go crawling around the sewers with Doctor Kavanaugh, holding the man's flashlight and tools and listening to his rants. He had absolutely no desire to go back to it.

"People are talking about us," he hissed, lowering his voice so that Chin and Kono were forced to lean closer to hear him. "Even more than they talk about Sheppard's team."

Chin looked like he doubted Danny. "Sheppard managed to marry two separate women on PX-404, and he sold his entire team to a traveling caravan. In one afternoon."

"And yet," Danny said, grimly, "we're still higher on the rumor chain. The next person Weir assigns to our team _stays_ with our team. Otherwise-" He trailed off, meaningfully, letting the cousins fill in the rest of the sentence. He knew they'd have no trouble coming up with several worst case scenarios.

His unpleasant duty done, Danny returned his attention to his coffee. He'd barely gotten one more sip before his radio chimed, and Weir's voice sounded in his ear.

"Lieutenant Williams, I'd like to see you and your team in my office, please."

"Yes, ma'am." Danny sighed, looking at his team members. "Now, we're in for it."

Chin and Kono trailed him to Weir's office, all of them feeling like they were being called up to the principal's office. They hadn't started out trying to drive off their previous team leaders; the men had just been utterly, astonishingly bad at actually leading a team.

One had hit on Kono and refused to take no for an answer (hence the broken legs), the second had spent all of his time comparing Danny's team to his old team on Cheyenne Mountain, always finding fault with the former. And Hawkins had just been an ass. Honestly, they were better off without any of them.

He just hoped they could convince Weir of that.

Weir was sitting at her desk when they entered, and a man with spiky black hair was sitting in the guest's chair across from her. For a second, Danny thought it was Sheppard, and he wondered what they'd done so bad as to get both the expedition leader and the military leader waiting for them. But then the man turned around at the sound of their entrance, and it wasn't Sheppard, but a man who looked astonishing like him.

"Lieutenant Williams," Weir greeted, as Danny tore his gaze away from the stranger to look over at her. "I'd like to introduce you to your new team leader." The slightly strained tone in her voice indicated that this was likely their last team leader, as well. Her conversation with him earlier had hinted that she was done giving them second chances; now it was more than a hint.

"Commander Steve McGarrett," the man introduced himself, standing and holding a hand for Danny to shake. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Commander?" Danny echoed, shaking the man's hand. "That's not a Marine or Air Force rank."

"Navy," McGarrett replied. "SEAL, actually."

"What's a Navy SEAL doing in the Pegasus Galaxy?" Danny asked, and something dark flickered briefly across the other man's face.

"Long story," was the only answer he offered, before turning and introducing himself to Chin and Kono.

"Commander, allow me to put names to faces," Weir spoke up. "May I introduce Lieutenant Daniel Williams, Air Force, and Chin Ho and Kono of Athos."

Danny had to give him points. He didn't gawk, didn't stare, and didn't exclaim "Oh, cool, real aliens!" like the Marine who'd never even had a full day on Atlantis before being shipped back to Earth (Danny didn't count him in the failed leader total).

"Nice to meet you, Commander," Danny said, and Chin and Kono echoed his greeting.

"Call me Steve," McGarrett said, quickly. "I'm not really one to stand on ceremony, and this isn't exactly a regular assignment."

"You have a simple mission tomorrow afternoon," Weir told them. "For now, why don't you take some time to get acquainted? And, Lieutenant?" she added, warningly, as they were about to leave her office, "try not to break this one."

"She was joking, right?" McGarrett asked, as they headed back to the cafeteria to finish their interrupted lunch. "Weir was just kidding around."

Danny gave the man a sharp grin. "Guess you'll find out."


End file.
